not a sandwich (UPDATED- now a sandwich!)

...but this stuff is now available at Mike's liquor store on 21st & mission, and I do love cactus cooler.

UPDATE: it was pointed out that the above soda is not, in fact, a sandwich. and so to remedy this situation, I present you:


heck yes!
now, this is beyond a shadow of a doubt one of the finest sandwiches ever crafted. it is the ultimate fuel for trading Pogs or series-two Marvel cards, or playing Killer Instinct on your cousin's SNES. if you find yourself doing any of these things, I heartily recommend this sandwich. some day I will pass this recipe on to my children, and them to their children. truly, a sandwich for the ages.

the necessary ingredients
I should mention that the above ingredients are not quite right. the Buddig brand ham does not need to be honey ham; the Kraft cheese should be "Old English", which as I understand has been discontinued; and the bread should be the brand of Buttermilk-style bread that my grandmother buys. I do not know the brand. nevertheless, this is close enough. I will now divulge the secret ingredients, please use discretion with whom you choose to share this knowledge with.

mayonnaise and seasoning salt
the secret ingredients are mayonnaise and seasoning salt. Lawry's is preferred, but McCormick's is acceptable. please note that this sandwich does not contain any produce. it is simply ham, cheese, pickles, mayonnaise and seasoning salt. mustard is allowed but not recommended. if you have anything else on this sandwich, you are doing it wrong.

aw yeah lets bust out the Atari and play Joust
as you can see in the picture above, the serving suggestions for this sandwich are Cactus Cooler and BBQ-flavored chips. you could drink a different soda (perhaps Coke or Root Beer), but if you have access to Cactus Cooler....why would you? and that my friends is how to make a 5-star sandwich. eat it quickly before your grandmother makes you water the garden.


  1. Wow, I've been looking for Cactus Cooler for YEARS. I used to ride my bike to the next town over to to get this stuff when I was a kid.

  2. Cactus Cooler was what all the "cool kids" at my school drank. That being said, I only have a vague memory of what it tastes like.

  3. when you say cool kids, do you mean the kids you thougth were cool? or the popular kids?

  4. popular kids. they had a lock down on it. if you were drinking it and weren't popular you were, like, a total poser.

  5. i love, love, LOVE cactus cooler!

  6. what does cactus cooler taste like? I'm pretty fond of US drinks that I can't get across the pond in the UK.

    When I was about 12, I used experiment with sandwiches after school. The recipe I hit on is pretty simple but soooo effective.

    I used to lay a tortilla wrap on a plate, before layering dutch cheese, usually gouda, but anything that melts to become quite rubbery and has a mild flavour. Then to that, I would add one of two salamis. The first was uncut, in sausage form (about 2in in diameter) but they stopped selling it in our local store so I replaced it with a pre-sliced type. It doesn't really matter as long as the salami is fairly meaty.

    The key to the whole thing was that you heated it 'til the point where the cheese melted and the oil left the meat but the wrap was still soft. It was so simple, but the flavour still makes my mouth water more than any other sandwich...

    End of wistful reminiscing... :D

    The key was to heat the thing so that

  7. cactus cooler tastes really syrupy and sweet, kinda like pineapple flavored gummies (gums i think they may be called in the uk). its described here as thick, gummy sunshine, which is a pretty accurate description. your sandwich sounds great too!